I missed my mom today.

I was driving home after a difficult school drop off with my kids and I missed my mom. She died thirty years ago but I still need her. I need her to tell me that it will be okay. That my daughter will adjust to being back at school after six months at home. I need her to tell me that she will be right over to give me a hug, share a cup of tea, and comfort me.

I know that even if she was alive, it might not be like this. She might be living far away from me. She might not be available to drop everything to support me. But, in my mind, she would be here in person or over the phone to be my mom. I feel like I need mothering sometimes. I need to be someone’s child and it is hard when you don’t have that. When your parents are gone and have been gone for a long time. 

I know there are many people my age who are starting to lose parents and that is devastating. My parents have been gone a long time. They never got to meet my kids. They never got to see the life I have built with my husband. We have worked hard and we have done well. Many people might wish to have  my life, but everyone has a story. Everyone has ups and downs.

I have lost SO. MANY. PEOPLE.

The pain is deep and it cuts through me when I least expect it. I have tried to live my life with a positive, optimistic mindset. I love with my whole heart and put my family first. I chose a helping profession so that I could improve the lives of others while also challenging myself.

There is a lot of good in my life. I am not complaining. I am simply stating how I am feeling.  

It is okay to be sad. It is okay to say, “I need a day off”. It is okay to say, “I need help”.

That is what I am doing today. I do not have my parents, but I have a wonderful sister-in-law who happened to be home. So, I reached out and she gave me the mothering I needed. Now I am going to rest, have a cup of tea, and pet my dog because this is what I need today.

And I imagine this is what my mom would have told me to do.