Today is #mothersanddaughtersday and we're also only a week away from Mother's Day 2022. For the last five years, that weekend has always stung a little for me. On that day in 2017, my Mom dragged herself into an emergency room thinking she had torn some cartilage in her ribcage - only to find out her chest cavity was FULL of cancerous tumours.
We lost her about ten weeks later - a very quick, rapid decent to the end of her life. Everyone was in shock at the speed of which this happened and we all dropped everything to be there 24/7 to help her during this final phase. Each day, and sometimes each hour, would bring new problems to solve as her comfort became the sole focus of everything.
In my most frustrated moments, I couldn't understand how or why this was the way it was going to end. She was barely sixty years old, and ten years ago, she had made such an immense change in her life in finally dealing with her mental illness. It had been the most difficult journey she had taken in life, and it wasn't easy and it wasn't always a smooth road - but she did it. And every relationship she had left in her life had changed for the good since.
So I was quite mad. And I felt so sad for her, that she didn't get to live in that space for a longer period of time. That myself and my sisters didn't get to enjoy having in our lives like this - not like she was before - for a longer period of time. I felt extremely robbed of what I had hoped would be at least another ten or twenty years. And my children were robbed too.
Five years on, I've channeled my energies into this business to honour her journey - and the journey of so many people who are affected by mental illness, or have a loved one with mental illness.
The mother-daughter bond is so unique, even in our situation which was filled with lots of trauma. There was also a lot of love and I was incredibly proud of my Mom for how she was finally able to deal with her mental health. Those are the years I love the most!
JOURNAL ENTRY FROM MY MOM DURING HER RECOVERY:
"All I ever wanted was for the pain from the past to stop interfering with my life and my happiness in the present. I did not forget and never will forget what happened to me. I did not and never will condone my abuser's actions. The injury or injustice was real - it really happened and it had a real impact on my life.
One does not consciously choose to get stuck hating, hurting and holding grudges.
Forgiveness might be/is the hidden ‘peace’ I so desperately am trying to achieve.
I did not forgive because it is the ‘Christian’ thing to do. I forgave because that is what I needed to do to feel whole, to like myself, and to rid myself of excess emotional baggage that was weighing me down and holding me back. I wanted peace of mind, and I could not have it as long as I was stymied by unfinished business from the past and expending most of my energy nursing my unhealed wounds. I was not happy with myself or my life. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could do more to be more than I was.
AND SO I CHOSE TO HEAL.
We are not endowed with forgiving natures that border on the superhuman. We simply get tired of living in pain from the past and become willing to try something new. Regardless of how you were hurt or what you have done because you were hurt, you have the inherent wisdom and the inner resources to heal your wounds and crate a better life.
Anger, bitterness and resentment no longer serve as a barrier that protects me from pain, anxiety, and self doubt. I have kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage my life. Forgiveness is something you do for YOU.
With bi-polar disorder, you must dig deep to find out who you are. Also to know how sick you can be and how to achieve wellness… and keeping it. IT IS VERY HARD WORK.
Though wellness is always the goal to avoid episodes, no on with this disorder is bulletproof. Wellness is attainable - never give up hope.
One should always be alert, at times, high alert, utilizing all the wellness tricks you know: getting proper sleep, limiting caffeine, stepping up appointments with Psychologists and/or Psychiatrist.
To all my fellow bi-polarians! Wherever you are! Especially the newly diagnosed and struggling. HANG IN THERE - DON’T EVER GIVE UP."
LETTER FROM MYSELF TO MY MOM WHEN SHE WAS DYING:
June, 2017
"Dear Mom,
It's yet another night that I am crying myself to sleep and I can’t stop thinking about this shitty situation we’re in.
I’m just so sad. I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me and I can’t catch my breath. I don’t understand how the world can just keep moving and go along each day, like nothing has happened. Because for me time has just taken on a fundamental shift. The notion of it being so precious has never been so profound.
And I now that I’m going to be sad and mad for a long time. And I’m okay with that. I’m angry that we’re being robbed of another thirty plus years of having you by our side. I’m angry that my children will only have four and seven-ish years to draw on. I’m sad that you won’t be ten minutes down the road anymore. That I won’t be able to see you whenever I want to, whenever my children want to.
I’m mad that you worked so hard to overcome so much, to only have it all snuffed away too soon. And I know we all need to be thankful for all the good times we’ve all had, but fucking hell. This isn’t fair.
At least, after all this is over Mom, you will finally be at peace from all that trauma. And I am SO thankful for that silver lining in and amongst all the loss and pain."
Love, Jen
