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Mom’s Journal, Entry 2

Mom’s Journal, Entry 2
All I ever wanted was for the pain from the past to stop interfering with my life and my happiness in the present.  I did not forget and never will forget what happened to me.  I did not and never will condone my abusers actions. The injury or injustice was real - it really happened and it had a real impact on my life.

One does not consciously choose to get stuck hating, hurting and holding grudges.  

Forgiveness might be/is the hidden ‘peace’ I so desperately am trying to achieve.  

I did not forgive because it is the ‘Christian’ thing to do.  I forgave because that is what I needed to do to feel whole, to like myself, and to rid myself of excess emotional baggage that was weighing me down and holding me back.  I wanted peace of mind, and I could not have it as long as I was stymied by unfinished business from the past and expending most of my energy nursing my unhealed wounds. I was not happy with myself or my life.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could do more to be more than I was.

AND SO I CHOSE TO HEAL.

We are not endowed with forgiving natures that border on the superhuman.  We simply get tired of living in pain from the past and become willing to try something new.  Regardless of how you were hurt or what you have done because you were hurt, you have the inherent wisdom and the inner resources to heal your wounds and crate a better life.  

Anger, bitterness and resentment no longer serve as a barrier that protects me from pain, anxiety, and self doubt.   I have kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage my life. Forgiveness is something you do for YOU.

With bi-polar disorder, you must dig deep to find out who you are.  Also to know how sick you can be and how to achieve wellness… and keeping it.  IT IS VERY HARD WORK.

Though wellness is always the goal to avoid episodes, no on with this disorder is bulletproof.  Wellness is attainable - never give up hope.  

One should always be alert, at times, high alert, utilizing all the wellness tricks you know:  getting proper sleep, limiting caffeine, stepping up appointments with Psychologists and/or Psychiatrist.  

To all my fellow bi-polarians! Wherever you are!  Especially the newly diagnosed and struggling.  HANG IN THERE - DON’T EVER GIVE UP.

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